And then I get alone and realized how fucked up everything is. I just need an escape and everyone has their own shit more important than me. I never remember a time when I was more important to someone else than themselves, that’s sad. I wish I felt like I mattered and I get tired of the constant “I’m sorry” and “You do matter, Caleb” because that doesn’t prove shit to me.
I do not. I have a couple of times and honestly it brought me no solace. If anyone knows me, they know I’m a drinker, which isn’t any better. One of my very good friends used to be a really bad cutter, I feel for anyone who does self harm, it makes my heart hurt.
Just because I know YOU’RE reading THIS:
I didn’t block you, I chose not to respond, even though in a way I suppose this is my response. The only reason I got upset was because I wanted to sell my Macbook to YOU. Why? Because every fucking day I miss your face and want to see you. Every fucking day I wake up wishing you were beside me still, like how it should be. EVERY fucking day I find myself in love with a girl who is not here anymore and I know isn’t coming back. I posted that status because I was mad. Not at the fact you weren’t buying it, but at the fact that I wouldn’t see you and probably never will again. I choose to not respond because I know I need to move on. You aren’t here anymore and I need to accept that. My whole life I’ve thought that love was a one time thing, you find it once and never again. I don’t know, maybe that’s true, and if so I’ll go the rest of my life only loving you. Either way, the fact of the matter is I love you and I would allow myself to get hurt by you a million times and still come back but you would not do the same for me. Why? Because true love has escaped you and you are ready to move on. I need to as well. Not because I want to, but because now I have to. I guess I’m saying all this to come to the point of, I love you and will always miss you. I’m sorry I failed you.